Subject:
        lazyBonkers
   Date:
        Sat, 03 Oct 1998 00:18:02 -0700
 

I need ta babble a bit... before I go crazy...er, um, crazyER *giggles*
Can't shake it, so *shrug* might as well babble about it, right?
Besides, you must be Really Bored 'cause yer readin' this *wink*

See, I don't know where ta begin or just exactly how much ta share, thus
the necessity of babbling....maybe if I wander into it it'll work itself
out... I dunno... It's a theory worth pursuing, tha's fer sure *grin*
 
 
 

*sigh*
 

hmmmm....
 

Lords of Acid, a bowel, kill the lights...
 
 

...and what the hell, just Leap in face first, wha' the fuck....
 

The Wiccan is drivin' me bonkers.
 

Or rather I'm drivin' meself bonkers over the Wiccan...
 

...what is Reality anyway?  Who can tell...

The short of it is the Wiccan stirred from the inky depths and yer
humble narrator is goin' bonkers.  *laughs*  As if you couldn't tell.

Now whether it's a result of her actions or not is another matter and
the jury is still out on that one, *shrug* I ain't goin' there, uh-uh.
*shakes head* nope.

*sigh*
 

I don't think I like it very much...being obsessed... tha's what it is
too, obsession.  I got enough curiosity ta kill a dozen cats, easy.
*bursts out laughing*
 

So I met her fifty months ago.    Fifty months is a respectable chunk of
time, is it not?

She came to Alaska and worked at the same factory as me.

Didn't notice her fer the longest time, then one day near the end of the
season I'm walkin' through the fish house and I glance over at the two
hundred or so people all wearing identical yellow raingear processing
salmon on the slimeline there, and One of them Glowed.

no shit.
 

A real bitchin golden blue aura just radiated off this person.

Tha' was enough fer me,  I needed ta be near tha' person regardless of
who it was, male, female, Spanish, Filipino, some Bozo from Boloxi,
*shrug* didn't matter, I hadn't seen an aura that clearly EVER, and I
hadn't seen any auras at ALL fer some years before this...
 

Turns out it was Her.
Turns out she was rather cute.
Turns out she was rather intelligent.
Turns out she was Wiccan...
Turns out she was nineteen when we first met...*sigh*
And I was...what?...twenty nine then... *laughs*

Ten years ain't much when yer talkin' ages like 75 ta 85 *shrug* no big
diff...  but 19 ta 29?  hell, they still lock ya up in some states fer
that, don't they?? *giggles*

That was drivin' me crazy then as it does now...*sigh*

We chatted a little that season, not too much...she DID give me her
winter time mailing address though, and that winter I was at me folks
house fer a visit... had a computer with a printer there and one late
night I let me fingers do their thing across the keyboard and sent her a
dozen pages of me madness *giggles*

She didn't write back.

*laughs*

She did, however, return to Alaska next season and there she was, saying
HI to me on her first day back to the island...*dreamy sigh*

We spent some time together that season...sorta.  *sigh* very odd
season...*laughs* Season of the Witch...

She was rather interested in some of my friends...*sigh*... so I
introduced her to some of my friends... first one, I was actually kinda
happy fer that one, liked him... didn't see either of them much fer a
while after that but tha' wasn't odd at all because it was mid season
then and things git pretty damn crazy around here then, ya know?

after a while she was chatting with me again,,, telling me little bits
about what went on, not all of course, just bits... we spent some time
together, had some dinners, some walks, a few sunsets... *dreamy* it was
Really Nice, ya know?

Then she wanted ta be introduced to the other friend of mine... wasn't
too sure about that one *sigh* Liked him just fine, knew him Really Well
(I thought *sigh*)... just didn't think it would be too cool a scene, ya
know?  but I introduced them *shrug*  tha's wha' nice schmucks like me
do *sigh* we live with the phrase 'someday yer gonna make someone Very
Happy'  ya, right.  Whatever.

so, didn't see either of THEM for a while after the introduction *shrug*
then one day I'm comin' home from work and there she is, comin' outta
his house (two houses down from mine at the time) with some luggage and
gittin' in a taxi, gittin' ready ta head fer the airport and split the
island... without sayin' goodbye or thankyou or fuck you or anything...
*sigh*

and when I saw her there was that 'oh shit' look.

*sigh*

I hate that look.

She gave me a weird hug and a goodbye and said she'd write and then she
split.

He never talked to me after  I introduced them.  Still, to this day.
*sigh*

And I didn't do nuthin.

*laughs*  Karma, gotta love it *snicker*

She did write though.  She sent me some love poems, and a partial
account of her last camping trip here on the island with a rather nice
description of her swimming nude in the lake... *sigh* ... it was Very
Confusing, to say the least

Then again, I'm a total idiot when it comes ta this boy/girl stuff,
*shrug*  so maybe tha's normal behavior, I dunno.

That winter I went south ta visit me folks again.  Her and her folks had
moved during the interim and were now livin' pretty close ta where my
folks were livin'... visits were possible and to my Great Surprise and
Delight, she visited me.

It was nice.

We went to the mall, and talked for hours and hours and hours.

*dreamy*

and she visited me again...

and she came ta visit me a few times when I wasn't there which just
flattered the hell out of me and made me very sad to have missed her...
*sigh*

It was gittin' close to the time I would have ta return to Alaska, and
she was visitin' me.... it was night....we'd been chatting for
HOURS...ten, at least.  it was a NICE day *sigh*

She was leanin' against me... not sittin' on me lap but sittin' in front
of me and leanin' back, I could just put me chin on top of her head, ya
know??  Her warmth and weight pressin' against me belly and chest was
nice *sigh* too nice.

that wall that had been keepin us from enjoying sittin' like that was, I
think, maybe, startin' ta go away... finally.

No matter I were I put me hands it felt awkard, so I put 'em on her
shoulders and massaged her a bit...

That felt right...*sigh*  She had long hair, and it cascaded across the
backs of me hands... *sigh*  I can still feel that.. ya know?  *laughs*
silly, huh?

then she said 'this feels nice'

My heart stopped, no doubts about it *giggles*  That fucking wall WAS
coming down, we were finally gonna be able to enjoy each others company
without the head trips and silly games and the total understanding that
this isn't That, and it it isn't That and it definitely isn't THAT, but
it's just as special and unique as all those and a safe and pleasant
diversion until THAT comes along...

and then me heart starting beating again,,, only it was pumping blood to
only one part of me *sigh*

yep.
 

Typical Male.

I got an erection and it pushed against her back. *sigh*  which was a
nice warm delicious weight so it pressed Harder and sure enough it
pressed so hard that she got up and walked to the other side of the
house and sat in the other room! *laughs* *cries* *sighs*

there was a little very odd conversation then she left shortly
thereafter.

I came back to Alaska.

She didn't come back next season, but we did write some... I was under
the impression from her letters and the few phone calls we had had that
if I went back to me folks that next winter she would spend some time
with me... perhaps I was mistaken, I don't know now... but I went south
that next winter to see her.

Well, between the letters and phone calls and me arrivin' down south
Things Changed.  *laughs*  Subject To Change is one rule I can dig but
it was still a major bummer, ya know?  there were No trips to the mall,
No movies or chatting in coffee houses... *sigh* there was a couple of
Very Odd visits, a few weird phone calls... a lot of letter writing
because I had no other recourse,,, really... *sigh*... it ended with her
sending my last few letters back to me unopened with Return to Sender
stamped on them

*sigh*

That was a pretty blatant GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE, *shrug* So I took
the letters and the poems and stories she had written to me, and the
pitiful few pictures of her I had managed to take...
 
 

... and I burned them all.
 

*sigh*
 

And I tried like hell ta git on with me life *shrug*  What else can ya
do, ya know?

That was about twenty months ago.
 
 

Thought about her,,, me,,, us,,, them,,, A Lot for those first months...
then a lot, then quite a bit, then often, then some, then every now and
then... then, by the beginning of this summer a whole week could go by
without me thinking of her...

then this past july she sent me a letter.

*sigh*

no return address on it so I wouldn't send it back unopened as she did
to me
 

a letter with no return address and Hauntingly Familiar handwriting on
it... hmmmmm, do I open it???

*laughs*

of course I opened it.

and read it many times.

It wasn't quite an apology, not quite a confession, *sigh* it was very
odd indeed...

sure seemed like there was some guilty feelings of some sort there and
that that letter was her attempt at dealing with them... *shrug*

She said she'd been talkin' with a mutual friend of ours and my name
would come up from time to time... and she was thinking of me...

... and by the Act of sending that letter she pretty much insured that
I'd be thinkin' of her too... *sigh*
 
 

    ???????WHY????????
 

*SIGH*

I sent a letter to her folks house...*laughs*  I tore apart me whole
house lookin' fer some scrap of paper or SOMETHING that would have her
address on it... I was pretty thorough when I erased all ties to her...
but I found an address and sent a typical torb psycho letter to her
*shrug*

And she sent a postcard back, rather quickly actually... it was every
bit as odd as the letter... I'm not sure the words really matter with
bullshit like this... Gilda always told me Actions speak much louder
than Words and I tend to agree with her on that one...

it was a nice card, polite, said she was moving, found this card,
thought she'd send it to me *shrug*  still no return address though
*sigh* so I gather I shouldn't use her parents address to communicate
with her...

in fact, neither the letter nor the card was really an invitation to
re-establish communications again....

*bursts out laughing and rolls on the floor in fits of insane giggles*

awww, Karma really is a groovy thing, ya know?  *snicker*

so there you have it, I got a mystery on me hands and the last page of
the book is torn out and there's absolutely no way fer me ta find out
who done it, ya know?  it's completely out of my hands, and it's drivin'
me Bonkers!  So if ya noticed tha' I ain't been too focused lately,
well, tha's WHY, *laughs* 'cause the only thing I can think about is WHY
WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY?????????
 
 

WHY NOW?

WHY THE HEAD TRIPS???

*giggles*
 

and ya know what???
 

I'm NEVER gonna know either.

he hee heee heeee heeeeeee

okay, I gotta go git what I laughing call a few hours sleep before
returning to work.

seeya